Final {post} Goodbye to My Ex

Final {post} Goodbye to My Ex

I never thought this day would come. I didn’t think that I would over come this. I never imagined that I would not care about what you thought about me, but today is the day. Today is the day that I am free. I no longer feed off of your thoughts and opinions of me. You are nothing to me today, and I am thankful for that. Today I let go of you completely.

Today is the day I stop caring about what you think of me. You had control of me for 2 years. Somehow you continued to control me after we broke up. You told me not to post or talk about you. You told me we could still be friends. You told me that I shouldn't express how I feel. Today, I say no. Today I will not let my feelings stop me from doing as I want.

During this two year relationship I was swallowed by love. At the snap of your finger I would do anything and everything you asked of me. When we broke up told myself, I wouldn’t let what you think of me change how I acted. Sadly, I did. I would blog or post or talk to my friends about you then you would text me to stop. Why should I? You didn’t stop.

You didn't stop the day you decided to lie to me about “the girl from work”, “the girl from high school basketball”, and again with “your new girlfriend”. You didn't stopped and considered how I felt. You didn't stopped and think about my feelings and my opinion. You didn't have the respect to own up to those mistakes when they happened. You should’ve stopped. So, why should I stop, if you didn’t?

Why should I stop and listen to you when you don't care about me?


So this is my final thoughts to you. You are no longer relevant in my life after this. You no longer have meaning to me. What we shared is nothing and you are nothing. What you think or say about me has no power. Your words are nothing but letters in groupings. Your demands are nothing but a joke to laugh at. You are nothing but I am something. I am strong. I am deserving. I am better without you.

I have decided to let go of all my feelings, good and bad, towards you.

 I saw her last night. She had the audacity to show up at MY sister’s apartment for a party. You know what I realized? I had much better friends than you or her. My friends were there for me and asked her to leave. It was in the moment that I realized I had everything I needed in life.I have friends, I am happy, and I am doing great things without you. You no longer get to feed off of my pain and depression. You no longer get my time or consideration. You are nothing and I am something.

So goodbye my love, for you have no meaning to me. You are nothing.

This is Public Health

This is Public Health, Cohort 3

A very very long story short .I decided to change my major as a 2nd semester junior. I completed my first semester of nursing school and something didn't feel right. As many nursing majors hear, “If you don't love and breathe nursing school it isn’t for you.” Well, I didn’t. It wasn't for me but little did I know I made the best decision of my life. Today I am a Public Health Major with an Admin concentration and a double minor in Emergency Disaster Response and Health Sciences and I couldn’t be more excited and in love with my major. Here’s why EVERYONE should consider being a Public Health major.

THE PRISON EXPERIENCE
The biggest joke in my friend group is we go to school in a prison. Well, we do. We drive 30 minutes to BFE Gray, Tennessee to a gated off prison like building we call home. Yeah, I’d venture out to call it home. Our cohort is split up into classes and we relive the high-school glory days of switching classes, talking in the hall, and eating in a cafeteria(Yup… a cafeteria). This is probably the best part of Public Health at ETSU. We have a campus just for us to learn. We get special learning experiences that students in other majors will never get. The prison experience is a 1 in a million experience.

THE COHORT
Incase you don’t understand what a cohort is, it’s a group of use that take the same classes and do the same things all throughout our 2.5 years in the program. This is something that other majors do offer but it's not quite like Public Health. This group is my rock, especially my friend group. I live and breathe Public Health but I have a crew of 40 cohort members including 3 amazing best-friends I am thankful for. With everything I am struggling with in life I can count on them to get me busy and to bring laughter to everything inside and outside the classroom. Not only to they bring joy they hold me responsible. I am so thankful for my cohort and my friend group within it.

ESSENTIALS, THE TUESDAY -THURSDAY NIGHTMARE
If you are friends with me on snapchat you might notice every Tuesday and Thursday I am in some crazy class building libraries, sawing wood, painting, and gardening. Well, it’s my essentials class. We are the only major that gets the benefits of this class. We are learning life skills that not many adults our age will have since technology runs our lives. We are learning how to survive without and reuse resources. This really teaches someone to realize how much we have, and how much we should be thankful for.

Lastly, this major is so diverse and is much needed all over the world. Just take some times and look into it, you’ll be surprised.

An Open Letter to my Ex- Boyfriend (round1)

I’m writing this in stages because just like our relationship, there is stages to grieving in what I once lost.

First off, Thank you of ending that gosh darn relationship. I mean, at the time I wasn’t thankful for you or that side piece you had but it made me realize A LOT about me and you. As for you, I realized that you were nothing like I thought. But I did realize you were much stronger than me. While you were a cheater and an avid liar, you had the strength to throw in the towel. I will say that I learned what I did not want in a man. I realized that you had the qualities of man that I am not looking for. So thank you for showing me who you really are. Thank you for having the strength to leave me an hour before I final exam(that I failed) and showing me what I did not want in a man. As for me, thank you for showing me who I am. I had lost myself in the relationship. I had been so consumed with making you happy I forgot that sometimes I should come first. I now know that I can’t let my happiness depend on someone because I have depend on myself first. If you hadn't left me, then I would have never realized how much better I can be.

Thank you for helping me realize what amazing friends I had. Never in my life had I ever considered how blessed I was with such supportive and caring friends. Given half of these friend were YOUR brothers but they stepped up and helped me in every step of the way. My sisters were there the second my life cam crashing down. Both groups of friends are still here for me and have my back. I blew them off for you. And even after doing that, they still were there for me when you weren’t. I’m so thankful that I now realize and cherish my friends in a whole new way.

Thank you for giving me freedom that I didn’t want, but needed. I now take everyday one step at a time. I cherish the little things. I live on the edge and take risk. I no longer have the need to plan my week around you and your needs. Just the other day I order tickets to a concert, something I would have freaked out about if I was with you. Without you holding me down I now can do what I want. If I want to drive to a Royals game on a Saturday,I can. I no longer need your permission to do things in life. I am free.

Lastly, thank you for putting me into the worst and weirdest depression of my life. This sounds absolutely terrible to say but just give me a second. After you broke up with me I went into a deep dark hole and I’ve stayed there and I’m honestly still there but I have worked my ass off to get out of this hole. I have cried, drank, ran, and screamed until the break of dawn but you know what? I’m improving, I’m becoming stronger. I’ve seen how thick skinned I really am. I never realized how strong I was. Yes, I struggle daily with what you did to me but I am unstoppable and I intend to come out of this hole one day, happier than ever. One day I’ll write my final post about you and never look back…Cause gosh darn I deserve much better than you, a liar.

I’m not mad I lost my boyfriend, I’m mad I lost my best friend

I’m not mad I lost my boyfriend, I’m mad I lost my best friend.

Everyone says “being in a relationship with your best friend is the best “. No, no it’s not. It’s the best thing at the time. When you both love each other and spend all your memories together it’s great but what about after? No one thinks about after. After you lose that best friend.I know you tell each other, “We will still be friends”.

It’ll never be the same. No matter how hard you try, “Your person” will no longer be “your person”.

This is the most heartbreaking part of reality. You lose your best friend in the process of a break up.

One of the worst parts is your memories become irrelevant, almost like they didn’t happen. You suppress them to the back of your head. Sometimes you are reminded of the long drives in the snow to a basketball game, walking in downtown Kansas(getting lost and buying too many shirts), midnight doughnut runs followed by a movie series, or playing video games till you both want a grilled cheese. All of these memories are now things that CAN’T matter to you because the person you shared these with is no longer your best friend. When he fell out of love with you, he also fell out of “best friend”. This is the worst part of losing your best friend and probably the hardest part to deal with.

Losing “your person” is probably next worst thing of losing a best friend in a break up. Whenever you wanted to go to McD’s for a 20 count nugget or the animal shelter for fun, who did you go to? Let me guess, him… me too and now I no longer have that go-to-person. Having him as a best friend meant we did everything together. Now I have to post in group me’s or send out texts see who wants to go eat with you. Those midnight nug runs are now alone. You feel even more alone now than ever.

The last terrible part of losing a best friend in a break up is losing your motivation and inspiration. Ok, so heres the thing… I am doing better in school and I am more active than ever but only because I have nothing better to do than sit in my room. I act happy and fill my time as much as possible but…There are many times in the day where I lay in my bed and have flash backs to memories that I thought I suppressed. I have no motivation to go and DO. I no longer feel inspired to try new things. I am just a robot, going through the motions of life because where is my best friend? He’s in Florida with his new best friend, someone that replaced me.

So don’t date your best friend because one day he will no longer love you, and you will be replaced. You will be left trying to suppress memories and searching for purpose. Just don’t do it… We can all replace a boyfriend but we can’t replace a best friend.

Dad, You Rock

Hey Dad it’s me. I owe you more than a thank you and a blog post but…

I’ve always been a Daddy’s girl. I took after my dad a lot, in looks and in interest. He's the reason I am the person I am today and he deserves to know I think he did pretty alright! It takes on hell of a man to shape a strong and intelligent women in this crazy world we live in. Dad, you deserve a huge thank you for giving me these qualities.

Thank you for being there through those break ups. We all know I’ve cried a few too many times about boys who (as we now know) don’t deserve me. Not only were you there but you lifted me up and told me that I deserve the world. At the time I felt as if I had lost the world, but lets be real… no man compares to you! You have given me a model to search for. I only hope I find someone as wonderful as you.

Thank you for giving me everything plus some, even if I ask for more. I know I am needy and ask for a lot…but you sacrifice so much for me and yet you are so humble about it. You teach me that money doesn’t grow on trees, even though I’d love to think it does. Which I know one day I will thank you for teaching me this, as well as sacrificing everything for me, mom, and Thomas. I admire the fact that you do all of this FOR US. Sometimes I might not show it but I am overly grateful that you sacrifice for me daily.

Thank you for being the reason I am who I am. I may not have like being a “band nerd” that first Tuesday night but I’ll tell you what, it has changed my life in ways I can’t even explain. I learned skills beyond that of reading music. I learned what hard work looks like, and how to be a leader. I fully believe that you pushing me to do band has made me better. I’m even more happy that I share this love for music with you. Sticking with band for 4 years and doing everything that was offered taught me that, I CAN DO ANYTHING. There is nothing more satisfying than accomplishing yet another band season with you by my side.

I my be your typical college aged daughter but just know I thank you for molding me into someone that I’m growing to love. Thank you for being my dad, and my hero everyday. Thanks Dad, You Rock.

It's Ok to Walk Away

I've been there too. In a relationship where he has control over you. You do everything for him. You would drive across the country for him in a heart beat but he won't even lift a finger for you. He keeps doing this to you and down low you know he isn't right for you but you love him. You think "he's the one". I hate to tell you, he isn't. He doesn't love you. He won't love you but he won't lose you because you give him everything he wants. 

You are giving him the power over you, to control you. You just turn around, blinded by love. Honey, YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HIM. He is not going to change. He won't wake up one day and magically realize that he loves you, he doesn't. When you are so in love it's hard to see the truth. It's even harder to accept it and walk away. You know what? It's ok to walk away.

He makes up who you are. Your happiness actually depends on him and it scares you. When he is upset you can't help but feel his pain. You can't help but think, what did I do wrong? Just know you haven't done anything. You are more than he deserves.

Just because you think he loves you doesn't mean he does. Don't stick with him just because it has been 2 years. Don't stay because his friends are your friends.

Right now I know that your heart is in the bottom of your stomach. Your eyes are filled with tears but only one has made it down your cheek. You are beside him, and you know he isn't right but you will still lay there because you are in love. But you can do it. You can stand up and tell him he is using you, you can walk out that door with what little pride you have. Throw in the towel and tell him to find someone who wants to play his games. You deserve better than him, you are better than him.

Sisterhood

What my sisterhood means to me. It’s a weird concept, sororities. A large group of like minded unique women. What’s so cool about this group is the potential that it brings out in women. Funny I say that. As an Alpha Xi Delta our open motto is “Realize Your Potential”. This is so great an inspirational. When I first joined I was looking for friends. The typical “you pay for your friends” joke applies here. Little did I know I was about to join the most life changing group of women. My freshman year I was given a chance to sit on our exec council. I was a lonely, confused freshman. The older sisters took me under their wings and transformed me into a confident and noble leader. After I had become comfortable in my chapter I got into a relationship that pulled me back from my potential and I laid low for about a year. During this time I skipped events and made excuses not to hang out with these women. When my heart got broken who was there? My sisters. Each and everyone one of them lifted me up out of the darkest place in my life. I am now proud to say that I am truly happy and supported by these women. Without them I am to sure I would be here today. When someone disses Greek life I can’t help but shake my head and think, “you are missing out”. There is something crazy and special but my sisters. I have realized my potential and I continue to grow in the values of Alpha Xi Delta. TFJ ladies.